Calm Before the Storm
by jangoo
Summary: This story is currently on hiatus. I will get back to it ASAP. E/A romance. Begins after the events at the rebuilt Jedi Enclave on Dantooine in KotOR II - Kreia and Atris have a lot of explaining to do.
1. Announcement

Not an update, I apologise!

Just a short update on where this story is at right now, and where I'm going.

I haven't updated in quite a while. I haven't abandoned this story; it was on a sort of hiatus since I was suffering from severe writer's block. I still am.

I have tried to write up a perfect chapter 21 (or is it 22?) for a good week or two now, and I am finally making small progress.

While I am working on this next chapter, I will be re-vamping the previous chapters. Some things will change, some will remain the same. 'There Is No Passion' will have a name change, and become a lot more indepth and factual. I'm reading up tons on little Star Wars facts and I even have a copy of the KotOR 2 dialogue (thanks to a certain beta whom I love), so this should give me fresh motivation and sheer determination to deliver a new chapter within the next few days.

Watch this space!

To all of you who still read this pathetic excuse for a fanfic, I love you all.


	2. Chapter 1

**Exile POV.**

I lay in the center of the rebuilt Jedi Enclave on Dantooine. My mind was swarmed with what had just taken place. I couldn't shut out the pained screams of my former Masters, my mentors, my friends. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to remember, but I couldn't stop myself.

I wondered dully if it would be possible to just let myself die. Right there. Maybe everything would fix itself for the others, the crew of the _Ebon Hawk_. I would die for them. I never wanted them to be dragged under by my apparent Force bonding. They didn't know it, but I had been using them all along. I hadn't even known it myself until Kreia told me.

I would certainly die to make things easier. My companions would no longer be placing their lives at risk for one lonely Jedi Exile.

I would do it right now, if I didn't have a responsibility. I owed the Jedi Order and I owed my companions.

And in a way, I owed it to myself.

I had to find Kreia. I had to stop the evil that was to come. Only then could I surrender to my depression, my fear, my hate. Only then could I give up.

The fresh, crisp scent of the Dantooine grass I lay in ran through my head. It reminded me of home, but not the home it used to be. Now it was tainted with blood and death.

And those two smells belonged to the three bodies lying beside me. Once Jedi masters, now nothing but shells of who they used to be.

Usually, when I was close to a dead body, a certain current of Force would flow through me. It wasn't like the Force I was used to; the Force that signalled life. It was dark and gloomy, taunting me to absorb its power. I always hated seeing corpses for this reason alone. I was weak-minded, and the Dark Side was always very hard to resist for me. I had never strayed from what some might call the Light Side, but I was never truly a Jedi. I was never perfect.

But what I sensed in the three bodies near me. That wasn't the taunting dark Force. That was nothingness. Pure nothingness. It sent shivers up my spine to feel.

I had never felt such an absence in the Force, and now I knew what others felt when they were with me. This is what I was. An absence. A wound, even. Either way it wasn't good. The Masters tried to tell me. They tried to warn me.

I didn't listen.

I should have listened.

Everything could have been avoided, they told me. _Every fracking thing_. And how? How could I have avoided the darkness usurping the galaxy right at that moment?

If I hadn't have gone to fight in the Mandalorian Wars.

It sounded ridiculous to me at first. But now, lying face down in the dry grass, I knew they were right. One Jedi. That's all it took. If I had of listened to the Masters when they warned us Jedi not to follow Revan to war, I would still be a Jedi, maybe even a Master by now. And they, the three bodies, would not be bodies. They would be men. The rebuilt Jedi Enclave would not be rebuilt. It would be the original.

The Mandalorians still would have lost. And Jedi still would have fallen. But none of them would be wounds in the Force. None of them would have been used by Kreia to kill the Council. There would still be a balance of good and evil in the galaxy.

And it was all because of me that now the galaxy was dangerous. More-so than it had ever been before.

On a large scale, I could have been the one to save the Jedi Order. On a smaller scale, if things had been different, my companions would not be living a lie. They would be safe, back in their own familiar worlds. I would not be ruining their lives.

I let out a small, quiet sob as the full realisation hit me. Everything my companions had said to me, everything they had promised me. It was all a lie.

This was, again, my fault. My doing.

_"You make connections through the Force, and it resonates with those who travel with you. The resonance is even greater when they, too, are Force Sensitive."_

_"Your actions affect others more than you know. You draw others to you, especially those strong in the Force."_

_"When you suffer, their spirit echoes it. And when they are in pain, their pain becomes yours."_

Yes. I created Force bonds with people. I forced them to follow me, no matter how they felt about me. It was obvious now, and I hated myself for not seeing it sooner. One would only have to observe the connection between Kreia and I, and they would know that something wasn't right. Never in history had there ever been a bond so severe. So dangerous. Everything she felt, I felt. If she died, I would die. And there was no way to stop it.

I did not form bonds as powerful as this with the others. But they were still bonds nonetheless. And it still meant that our presumed friendships were a lie. They were companions. Not friends.

Followers. Mindless troopers who would follow me into the depths of Hell if I asked them to.

I didn't shed a single tear when I had slain countless soldiers in the Mandalorian Wars. I didn't even shed a tear when I was exiled, condemned as a traitor to the Jedi Order.

Yet I cried now; for everything. The loss of my mentors, the betrayal I had experienced, the hurt I was feeling and, mostly, the uncertainty of what was to come.

As the tears streamed down my cheeks, images of Kreia flew through my head. The most potent of which was her snarling face as she killed the Masters. I had never seen such hate.

I didn't know Kreia was capable of such power. But I was foolish not to see it. It was blatantly obvious that she was more than she put off. She used to be a Sith, after all.

Ignorance might have been bliss at the time, when I trusted Kreia like I would a mother. But now it hurt. Ignorance was the downfall of so many people, myself included.

The sound of approaching footsteps interrupted my thoughts. I tried feebly to sense who it was through the Force, but I was much too weak, for the Masters had been attempting to break my connection to the Force not too long ago. I could feel nothing but the blank space of the Master's bodies.

I tried to turn over, maybe see with my eyes who was approaching. My mind told my arms to move, but they couldn't. I could do nothing but wait.

The footsteps stopped. I could feel the heat of a body next to me, close to me. Whoever it was slid their arms underneath me and pulled me up.

I was being taken away. I didn't panic. Anything would be better than where I was.

The person carrying me was strong; there was no doubt about that. I heard no struggle for breaths, no wheezing in their chest. All I heard was sobs.

They were crying.

It could have been the sadness that tore through my chest, or the exhaustion that had been threatening to black me out for days. Whatever it was, it won. I passed out in the arms of a stranger, being lead somewhere unknown. And I didn't even care.

**

My sleep was disturbed by images of death. Bloodied bodies and black holes in space. Every time it ended with Kreia's snarling face, her judgmental eyes silently telling me that I wasn't good enough, that I didn't fit her standards. Then, a man who looked to be in worse state than a burned corpse would jump out from behind Kreia, and he would kill me with his bare hands. Sion.

I woke up screaming and thrashing.

"Aya!"

I stopped my screams and was pushed back down to my bed. The hand of Atton Rand covered my mouth. I looked up at him; black, messy hair, dazzling brown eyes, creased forehead. The sense of familiarity warmed me, ridding the cold sweat that had formed a thick layer across my forehead. Atton was here. I wasn't being killed brutally by a living corpse. I was alive.

My eyes darted around the room I was in, and I realised I lay in the bed of the _Ebon Hawk_ medbay. I let out a sigh and shut my eyes tightly. I wanted everything to have been a dream. I was back at Dxun. Kreia was meditating in her barracks. T3-M4 was doing its routine ship maintenance. Bao-Dur was drilling at some part of the walls, cursing the skills of the ship's previous mechanic.

Everything was okay.

I opened my eyes, and upon seeing the look on Atton's face, I knew it wasn't a dream. Nothing was the same. Everything had changed.

"Aya, are you alright?"

The concern in his voice sounded so genuine; I wanted to believe him. I wanted to trust him. But I knew it wasn't the case. He was only concerned because of my bonding powers. If I didn't possess them, he would not be here. He wouldn't be so worried.

"Yes" I croaked. It hurt to speak.

"Do you need anything?"

"Water."

Within seconds, Atton had a cup of water to my mouth. He took the back of my head in his free hand and tilted it back, proceeding to pour sweet water down my throat. It felt so good that I moaned.

I drained three cups of water before I was ready to talk again. Atton was still frowning at me in worry. I hated to see him like this. I hated knowing that if it weren't for me, he wouldn't be worried, he wouldn't be here.

"I thought you were dead."

"What?"

"At the Enclave...I..."

"You carried me back here?"

"Who else would?" he sounded shocked, and maybe even a little hurt. I felt bad for doubting him.

"Thank you" I said sincerely. If he hadn't have brought me back to the ship, I might have done something stupid, like kill myself. It was a possibility. I never wanted to experience the emotions I felt back at the Enclave, ever again. I didn't think I could handle it all a second time.

"Well, I wasn't going to just leave you there" he said, with a bitter sound to his voice.

"And the others would?" I asked, catching onto the source of his bitterness. He hesitated for a moment, looking into my eyes with confusion.

"They said it was no use."

My stomach dropped. I had grown so used to the strange attachment each and every crew member had to me. I wasn't used to being thought of as disposable. Ashamedly enough, it hurt me.

"Only because we – they – thought you were dead..."

"So they wouldn't even bother looking" I finished Atton's sentence. He opened his mouth as if to argue with me, but he knew it was no use. I was right.

"I never gave up on you" he said softly, looking down at his lap. At these words, my heart skipped a beat. I had never heard Atton express such deep feelings. He didn't need to tell me anything, it was the sound of his voice that said it all. It wasn't just the bond we had that drove him to come for me. I knew the feeling, because I had it too. There was nothing in the world that I wouldn't do for him. And it only took my almost-death for us to realise it.

He looked up at me with emotional eyes. Tears were welling. Bloodshot streaks gathered around his iris.

"I suppose you already know what I'm going to say" he whispered. I cocked my head to the side.

"What?"

"You – you haven't been inside my head?"

"I'm not strong enough."

I choked back a sob. The truth was I was scared. I was scared to use the Force, when it had done me so wrong in the past. How could I embrace something that I knew would eventually lead to my demise, and possibly that of those I cared about?

I couldn't.

Atton lifted up a shaky hand and planted it on the top of my head. He stared into my eyes carefully as though he was asking permission. I only stared back.

Slowly and unsurely, he proceeded to stroke my head. It was so loving and caring; I couldn't help but break into tears. I didn't deserve any of this. I was a horrible creature; one that fed off of the Force energy of others, one that forced people to abide by its will. Even though I did none of this intentionally, it was my entire fault that it was happening in the first place.

Atton pulled me to his chest, rocking me back and forth slightly, hushing me as I cried and cried and cried. He was exactly what I needed, yet didn't need, at that point in time. I was an emotional wreck.

I needed his caring touch, but I didn't need the guilt and confusion that accompanied it.

A knock at the door interrupted our moment of peace. Atton pulled back quickly and jumped up, unlocking the door at the security panel. The silver door slid up and revealed Mical. He was looking more handsome than ever, though he did not possess the charm and quick wit of Atton.

He had blond hair that hung nicely around his boyish face. He was very tall but slender, though his lean body proved to be very durable in battle. He looked like the perfect picture of a Jedi; so innocent, so light, so wary.

What struck me the most about him were his blue eyes. I had never seen eyes that portrayed so many emotions at once. There was always a slight darkness in his eyes, showing that he had seen many grim and disturbing things. But aside from that there was happiness, love, compassion. His eyes were the main reason I used to care for him as more than a friend. Not love. Just lust.

But those feelings completely vanished when I realised what he was supposed to become. A Jedi Master. He would, one day, rule a new Jedi Order. He would make me proud.

I now saw Mical as a brother. He was the sibling I'd never been granted. The family I never had.

Of course, that was all in doubt now, knowing what I did. He may not have been with me under his own free will. It could have been the Force acting. It most likely was.

"I would like to speak with Aya, if that is allowed" he said to Atton, showing no signs of backing down. I could tell Atton despised Mical. I was never sure why, but he did. And sometimes I would see the hate returned in Mical's own eyes.

Men. They were often too egotistic for their own good.

"Fine. But don't take too long. She's weak."

Mical shot Atton a daring glance, and walked past him briskly, straight to me.

Atton left the room with one last glare at the back of Mical's head. I almost sniggered at their childish rivalry.

"Something happened in the Enclave – what?" he asked when I looked back to him.

"Getting straight to business, are we?" I asked him rudely.

He sighed heavily, "We did not mean to desert you. We merely thought that..."

"That I wasn't worth searching for? That I was one hundred percent dead?"

"I'm not sure" he said, his shoulder sagged. I could tell he was regretting his decision more each second. He could tell he had let me down. He could tell how much he had hurt me.

"There's another reason why you're so...withdrawn. Isn't there?"

Mical was too perceptive sometimes. I didn't like it.

"And what if there is?"

"Aya. We are friends. I care about you."

"I don't have the effort to argue that point" I said blankly. Mical sat in his chair, watching me with his wonderful eyes, until I finally decided that he at least deserved an explanation. Maybe I thought that saying what happened aloud might just make things easier to comprehend. If not, I still would have tried, instead of cooping up my extreme emotions inside of myself.

That would no doubt end badly.

"None of you are here because you want to be."

"Of course we want to be here. Why else would we stay?"

"Because I form Force bonds with every single living thing. I suck the life and Force out of people. If I asked you to, you would probably considering jumping into a black hole for me."

"That is not true, Aya" Mical said, sounding angry. I could see his fists clenched up out of the corner of my eye.

"The Council said it was."

"Then they do not understand you" he said quickly, placing his hand over mind, "You, Aya Ike, are the most charismatic Jedi I have ever met. You have all of the proper intentions; you fight for something we all believe in. How could we want to leave you? Our bonds to you are not Force-formed. They are formed out of _love_."

I looked away from Mical's face as he argued against the words of the late Council. I couldn't bear to show him the tears streaking down my cheeks. Though, I had an inkling he already knew.

"Think on what I have told you. I will leave you to rest for now. You look like you need it."

I gave a slight nod of recognition and thanks as Mical left me to my thoughts.

Was he telling the truth? Did he truly, honestly think that each person was with me on their own free will? Were they following me to the pits of Hell, just because they thought I had 'all of the proper intentions'?

I wasn't entirely sure of why they were still with me. I couldn't trust the words of Mical, yet I found it hard to trust the judgement of the Council as well.

There was no doubt in my mind that I would have to trust one of them, one way or the other. And soon. Otherwise I would have no allies. And frack, would I need them.


	3. Chapter 2

**Exile POV.**

I woke up in another fit of screaming and thrashing about. It wouldn't be long before I hurt myself. Atton rushed into the medbay, looking alert and afraid. Once he saw that I wasn't in any immediate danger, his face softened. But I could still see the worry and fear in his eyes. His smile couldn't hide that.

"Another dream?"

"The same one" I breathed out, wiping the sweat from my face. I was soaking in it. Atton reached for a bucket of water next to the bed and pulled out a wet sponge. He began to dab at my boiling forehead with it as he watched me with caution. It was as if he thought I was about to have a fit, or something similar. I couldn't blame him.

"What are they about? The dreams" he asked finally. I took a few sharp breaths as he wiped the sponge across my brow with care not to leak water into my eyes.

I didn't know if I was ready to talk about my dreams. Would he think I had a mental problem, or maybe I was suffering some kind of post-traumatic stress disorder? Who knew? I very well could have been.

A lesson I had learned lately was that trusting people was the first step to pain. But Atton...he had always seemed different. There was something in his smile, in his eyes. It told me I could trust him and that he would always be here for me. I could trust him, couldn't I? He had done nothing in the past to me that said otherwise. He did have a shady history, but that was gone now. He was just Atton Rand: pilot of the _Ebon Hawk_. He wasn't a spy; he was no longer a Jedi hunter. He wasn't Jaq, not anymore.

He didn't seem to mind that I was taking a while to be with my thoughts. He continued to wipe my forehead with the sponge and smile down at me.

"Well..." I started, hesitating. Was I going to trust him? Confess some of my deepest feelings to him?

I was.

I would never learn.

"Death, in all of its forms. I see dead bodies, black holes, weapons...the Dark Side" I paused and gave a small shiver. Atton stopped wiping my forehead and leaned closer to me, watching me with interest and concern. I took a deep breath and continued.

"And then I see...her."

"Kreia" he stated. It wasn't a question. He knew who I was talking about already. At least he understood that much and I thanked him silently for it. I wasn't sure if I was ready to speak her name yet. It would bring on too many dark feelings. Feelings I couldn't have if I was to become a Jedi ever again.

"And then there's somebody else. Sion...he's..." I shuddered and stopped talking. Atton placed a warm hand on my bare shoulder and turned my torso around to his. My heart sped up, and it wasn't because I was thinking of the dream. Being so close to Atton sent me crazy and I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed it before. Not like this.

He was looking at me with a certain hunger and I was sure I was mirroring his expression. In the lighting of the medbay, shadows were cast in just the right places on his face. His cheekbones looks a lot more prominent than usual, making him look all the more attractive. I wanted him. Nothing else mattered.

Atton was staring at my lips with that hunger. His own lips parted and he moved his head towards mine. Before I could comprehend what was happening, Atton was on top of me on the bed, straddling me, kissing me passionately. It was wonderful. My stomach was doing somersaults. My head was spinning. My mouth was watering.

Who needed kolto? This was the real cure. I forgot all about Kreia and my dreams. I even forgot that I was on a ship with several other people.

I only remembered this when somebody burst into the room.

I let out a muffled cry of shock. Atton's mouth was still on mine. He acted fast; leaping from my body and planting himself back down in the chair next to my bed.

His efforts were in vain.

Mira was standing in the doorway; an expression of pure disgust spread across her strong face. She glared at Atton and without even looking at me, stormed back out in a huff.

"What was that about?" I asked, turning to look at Atton. He was already out of his chair, making his way out of the room.

"Wait..."

He turned to me, standing exactly where Mira had been only seconds ago.

"This is wrong."

He left me in my bed, stunned over what had just happened. I had been so sure of Atton's feelings for me. He seemed so sure of them as well. Was it just a bit of fun for him? Now, that we had been found out, was he regretting what happened?

I brought a hand to my lips. They were swollen from such rough and desperate kissing. My tongue hurt and my stomach was still whirling around like I had space sickness.

Most of all, my heart ached for Atton's touch.

**

After a long visit to the refresher, I came out looking semi-presentable. I slipped on some loose pants and a tunic and clipped my lightsaber to my belt. It didn't feel right on me. It was like a heavy burden resting on my hips.

I looked at myself in the full-length mirror across from the bed and decided I looked terrible. Nowhere near presentable.

My very long, thick brown hair was still wet and stuck to the back of my neck, making me look a lot like a drowned sewer rat. My usually bright eyes were dead and lifeless. I could imagine the startling green was once exactly that...startling. But now they faded into my face like they weren't even there. My lips were still swollen. They were the only stand out feature on my face, and they weren't even real. Kissing lips. They'd go down soon and I would have nothing.

The life of a Jedi is not for girls who like to be pretty.

After a while of fretting over my appearance I stumbled into the main hold of the _Ebon Hawk_. Mira was there, fiddling with her lightsaber on the floor. She was staring at it with intense concentration and anger. I knew not to cross her when she was in such foul moods.

Unfortunately she snapped her head up and saw me. She didn't glare. She didn't smile. She just stared at me like I was an intruder, unwelcome aboard her ship.

"Err" I drawled out, not knowing what to say. Mira's eyes narrowed as she inspected me. I saw her gaze linger on my lips for a longer time than usual, and I knew she was definitely upset about what she had seen happen between Atton and I. But why? What was so upsetting about it?

I knew that I was her trainer. I had taught her the ways of the Jedi. I had instructed her to resist the forbidden emotions. One of them was passion, and I had fallen into its tight grip.

But the look of anger that was on her face when she saw us. There was something else there, and I did not know what. I intended to find out.

"Why are you so bothered by it?" I asked, knowing very well that Mira would know what I was speaking about.

"It's immoral."

I almost snorted. Here was an ex-Bounty Hunter, telling me that what I felt was immoral? Talk about hypocrisy.

"It's got nothing to do with you. And since you left me to pretty much die, I don't think anything I do is your concern."

Mira looked up at me and I was shocked to notice tears welling in her eyes.

"I never – we never wanted to leave you behind."

"Why couldn't you stay, just check that I was dead? What stopped you all?" as I spoke, I could not hide to venom in my voice.

"We were ambushed."

"By who?"

"This isn't the time."

"Now you're keeping secrets from me?"

Just like the Jedi Order did, just like Kreia did. They were keeping me in the dark.

"By the Handmaidens."

"Why would they...Oh."

"Yeah" said Mira, knowing I had figured it all out. The Handmaidens had come for both Kreia and I, and who knew what they wanted to do with us both? Kill us? Most likely.

"I'm sorry" I said with a sigh. Mira looked up at me with watery eyes once again. It was rare that she showed so much of herself emotionally, and it was strange to see her so fragile. Top that off with the cuts and bruises along her stomach and arms, and she almost looked like a normal human being. But she wasn't. She was Mira. She was the toughest person on board the _Ebon Hawk_, and she knew it.

I felt both privileged and saddened that she had let her guard down with me.

"It's alright. I was just worried about you, I _am_ worried about you."

"You don't have to be. We Jedi are tough."

Mira laughed, standing up slowly to pull me into a tight hug. I was so taken aback, that I almost forgot to hug her back. But I did. And when I wrapped my thin arms around her curvy waist, she began to sob.

It was nothing terribly noticeable; just a slight shaking of her shoulders and the occasional sniff.

"I don't know what I would do if you died."

"Mira. We shouldn't..."

"Be sorry for those who have died, I know."

"Did I hear a commotion?" interrupted a wispy, quiet voice from behind me. I whirled around, knowing who the voice belong to, and ran into the arms of Bao-Dur. He gave a small chuckle and twirled me around in his arms. Despite all of my doubts, seeing him made my heart flutter.

Not because I cared for him, not in the way I did for Atton.

He was my best friend. He understood the small part of me that even Atton didn't. That part was the Mandalorian Wars. Although we barely spoke of it, we had a sort of silent understanding of each other. When one was looking strained, or upset; we would instantly be able to tell if it were war-related. And if it was? We would help each other.

Because of this we had become very close.

"It's so good to see you" I gushed once pulling away from Bao. He smiled at me broadly.

"It's good to see you in one piece" he said, his expression turning to a frown, "We never meant to leave you behind."

And I knew then that they didn't. Bao-Dur would never lie to me. Maybe Mira would, or even Atton. But not Bao.

"I understand" I said gravely. Just as Bao had opened his mouth to speak again, the other members of the crew entered the main hold. I smiled at the droids; T3-M4, HK-47 and even G0-T0. Mical, Atton and Visas had followed them. Atton looked disturbed, maybe even hurt. I would have to bring that up with him later.

"Exile" spoke Visas, bowing her head, "You have returned."

"No thanks to you guys" I said. The room went quiet.

Then I laughed.

"I'm joking. I understand!" I laughed harder, seeing the shock on the faces of my companions. Mira started to chuckle, and even Visas's lips curled into a small and very slight smirk.

At that point, I had a number of layers. The first layer was something of the crust of a typical planet. It was thin, but the most visual.

That first layer was happiness. Relief, even. I was sitting in the main hold with my companions - no - my _friends_, having a good time. They had given me a sufficient excuse as to why they had left me on Dantooine. I could cope with that. On the crust, everything was good.

Then the mantle. That was difficult.

There was a mixture of feelings. Some was lust, and attached to that lust was guilt. Pure and strong. I had gone against the Jedi Code. Though I was an exile, I still felt obliged to follow the rules I had stood by for the better years of my life.

Deep down inside of me, in the core, lay the darkest emotions I had ever felt. I kept them there; hidden away from prying Jedi and friends. I even, in a way, kept them from myself. For who knew what I would do once they resurfaced? I had been pushed to the limit once before, and I did not intend on letting myself slip like I had on Malachor all of those years ago.

Those dark feelings – they would pull me into the unknown. The Dark Side.

The Jedi Council – the Masters – they had always spoken of the Dark Side as something evil, something that lured you into its grasp gradually, and before you knew it, you were gone. Lost to its raw power. I couldn't fall to that. I wouldn't let myself. Not only would I be letting down myself, but I would become a disappointment to my friends and allies. And I would fail the struggle to reform the Jedi Order.

"Aya?" asked Atton, snapping me back to the present. Everyone was looking at me. Even the droids. Their photoreceptors bright, staring into my face.

"Excuse me, what?" I asked.

"Can I speak to you in the cockpit?"

"Okay..."

I followed him through the north corridor that led to the cockpit. I took a moment to be a normal woman, and I watched his hips sway as he walked in front of me. I wanted to know, so much, what he looked like without the bulky ribbed jacket and loose slacks.

I concluded that he would look beautiful, like something from a dream. A wonderful, imaginary spirit. Gorgeous.

He stood in front of me, and I looked away from his stare. I suddenly became very aware of his eyes on my face. I felt it burn hot.

"I didn't mean what I said before" he admitted. That wasn't what I'd prepared myself to hear.

"What?" I looked at him. His eyes were soft again, and he looked sad.

"I...just. I think it's best if...we're going to...that we...keep it a secret" he said, rubbing his arm awkwardly. It was rare to see Atton looking awkward. He usually had some witty remark or sarcastic joke to lighten things up. Now he had nothing.

"Why?"

"We're Jedi."

"You're a Jedi" I pointed out, "I'm the Exile."

"I thought we'd agreed that you were a Jedi. Reformed. You're our teacher, after all."

"And look at what a bad teacher I have been" I said sadly, sitting down in the co-pilot's seat. Atton followed me and placed a hand over my shoulder, sitting down in the pilot's seat beside me.

"You changed me, didn't you?"

I looked across and saw his brown eyes, sparkling in the soft light of the cockpit. It was hard to disagree with him. He meant every word he said.

"What if I end up..."

"Aya" he said, his voice now louder and more serious, "Don't waste your life thinking 'what if?'. Don't do that. Think about the present and what lies ahead."

"That may be the wisest thing you have ever said" I said, with a small smirk. Atton chuckled and leaned into me, breathing warm air on my chin. My heart sped up and I gripped the seat tight.

"You don't know how long I've wanted to be with you" he whispered. I gulped, feeling my throat tighten. I couldn't cry, not now.

"Ever since that first time I saw you. I felt your pain. I wanted to help you. I still do..."

He leaned in, closing the small gap that lay between us, and pressed his lips to mine. I knew that we'd already kissed, that I'd already felt his lips against mine, I'd already tasted his tongue. But this was different. This wasn't just passion and desperation.

It was care, love.

When Atton pulled away, a small tear ran down my right cheek. He caught it with his hand and wiped it away, just like he wiped away my whole dedication to the Jedi Code. With one, quick kiss.

**Atton POV.**

There she was, crying, breathing heavily, right near me. My heart was thumping loudly against my chest. It was the only thing I could hear.

The feeling of her soft lips on mine was still tingling around my mouth. I felt woozy, lovesick even. I had never felt this way about anybody else before, not even myself. I cared for her more than I cared for the safety of the others, of myself. I would put her before the galaxy.

Frack, I would die for her.

I watched her stare at my lips for a while, wondering if I had done the right thing. Aya had taught me the Jedi Code. She had told me that passion and connection lead to dark emotions almost inevitably. I had taken what she said seriously, like I always did. But now...I was willing to completely disregard her teachings. I was risking my own sanity, along with hers.

"What do you think?" I asked, almost breathlessly, after a long pause.

"I think..." she stopped to look into my eyes. Hers were watery, yet still so beautiful. I loved her eyes. I loved everything about her.

"I think it's too late to go back now" she said, grabbing onto my jacket and pulling me to her, crashing her lips onto mine with such determination that I almost laughed. She was so cute.

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked once she had finished kissing me. I frowned, thinking of how much she must be going through, how it could be affecting her ability to make decisions.

"Of course" she said, leaning in to plant another kiss on my lips.

"It's throwing away..."

"Everything. I know. I could turn away from the Jedi once. I can do it again."

I decided not to question it anymore. I slid my hands around the back of her neck and pulled her head to my chest. I held her there for a long time; listening to her breathing and smelling the fruity fragrance of her hair. She was everything I wanted. I didn't need credits, alcohol or even Pazaak. I just needed Aya.

"What do you think Atris is going to do with Kreia?" she asked softly. My stomach churned, for I already had my suspicions. I was sure Aya did, too.

I left the question unanswered, because we were both aware of what would happen. And I couldn't bear to say it aloud.

"If she kills Kreia..." Aya said quietly, her voice cracking.

"I know" I said, rocking her softly in my arms.

"What can we do?" she asked, pulling away the slightest to look up into my eyes. They were sparkling with tears, and they looked defeated. Completely and utterly fracking defeated.

"We'll go to Telos" I said, smoothing her hair with my hands, trying to look brave for her, "And we'll stop Atris."

"What if we're too late?"

"We won't be" I answered, shrugging her off slowly to punch in the coordinates to the Telos Polar Region. I watched her fidget helplessly in her seat while I beat down on the console. Finally, the coordinates were set and we both looked up to see the familiar streaks of blue as we entered hyperspace.

"You know," said Aya quietly, her eyes still fixed on the now blue void of hyperspace, "I never realised how peaceful hyperspace is."

"I've always known" I admitted, "It's half the reason why I love flying."

"The other half?" she questioned, tearing her eyes away from the vista to me.

"You."

**

The flight from Dantooine to Telos was not a very long one, but it still felt like the longest flight I had ever experienced. I sat in my seat, alone in the cockpit, wondering if we would indeed reach Telos in time.

I didn't know if I could stand to lose Aya, just because of Kreia and the old Jedi Atris. I hated them both. And it was that anger that kept me strong, brave.

Because of this, and how I thought about things in general, I no longer considered myself a Jedi. I wondered if I had ever considered myself a Jedi in the first place. Aya had, and so had the others. But never Kreia. And she was right about me. I wasn't suited for the Jedi way. I wasn't suited for anything but murder and betrayal.

I hated her because she was right. Because she understood me, even when I didn't.

But I had to throw these doubts and feelings aside. I had a reason to strive for my best now. I had Aya, and I had to help her save the Jedi Order.

She had told me that we needed to defeat Kreia somehow, and the remaining Sith Lord – Sion. She had spoken of her theories about how it could be possible to sever her bond with Kreia, and maybe even save herself from forming more bonds in future. She had so many hopes and plans; I was afraid that they would inevitably fall through.

Because nothing ever went right around here.

I pushed myself up from my seat and walked numbly to the main hold, where I found Mira sitting with Mical. They were in deep conversation, whispering.

"She's going to die, Mical. You have seen it."

"The future always changes, and the Force can never be completely relied on."

"Cut the Jedi crap. You have to tell her."

"It's not my place."

I cleared my throat, not wanting to hear anymore. I didn't even want to think about it. So I didn't. I pushed it back into the furthest places in my mind, which held knowledge of my days as Jaq, of my days where I killed Jedi for fun.

Mical and Mira looked up simultaneously. Both of their eyes were wide, their eyebrows raised.

"What is it?" Mira asked, her voice filled with hatred.

"We'll be landing at the Telos Academy in ten minutes" I said blankly.

"I'll alert Aya" Mical said, rising from his place on the metal floor. I held out a hand to stop him.

"I will."

Mira made a face at me as I turned in the direction of Aya's barracks and walked towards them before Mical could protest.

"Aya" I called out as I turned the corner and came face-to-face with her. Her eyes were closed, her legs crossed, her face peaceful. I allowed a small, sad smiled at her before tapping her on the shoulder.

She started, as though she had not noticed my presence.

"Yes, Atton?"

"We're landing in ten minutes."

She sighed and held out her arm to me, I pulled her up and into my arms, squeezing her tightly. She needed my support today, and I would give it to her.

We walked together to the cockpit, passing Mical and Mira. They were no longer sitting together, but leaning against opposite walls of the main hold, eyeing each other meaningfully. I didn't want to remember what I overheard; not just for myself, but for Aya too. She didn't need me worrying over her more than I already did.

I was surprised at how logical I had been since Dantooine. Thinking I had truly lost Aya shocked me into a new maturity that I had never imagined I could possess.


End file.
